Whoa. This tea was a blind buy. This place near me was going out of business, and everything was 80% off. The tea section was very picked over, and this tea was what was left. There was a lot of it left.
I should’ve known.
When I carried my purchase to the register, the tired woman looked up, and her eyes sought mine out. She had lovely blue eyes. They were slightly bloodshot, and I could tell she hadn’t slept much recently.
“You know about this tea don’t you?” Her voice sounded haunted.
“Yeah. Totally.” I lied.
“Oh, okay. If you’re sure then.” Her eyes broke from mine and went back to stuffing the tea into the plastic bag. My five-year-old kid was dancing behind me and abruptly stopped when I handed over my money for this bag of loose leaf tea.
The cursed bag itself. It says organic. I mean sure its organic evil.
I realize now that she was closing her store due to the curse. The curse she passed on to me.
I never try new tea out as soon as I get home. *I rarely remember I have purchased new tea, and it ends up thrown into the tea cupboard.*
So weeks go by, and I decide that I am going to give this tea my usual Unicorn 3 Sip Taste Test.
Sip 1: Just me and the tea. Nothing else.
Sip 2: Milk and tea. How I usually take most tea’s that I enjoy. Unless it’s green. Green doesn’t work with milk in my opinion.
Sip 3: This sip is for realllllly assertive tea or reallllly weak tea. Here I add sugar to the milky tea and give it one last try.
Lapsang Souchong. When I opened it, my eyes began to burn. They started to water, and I began to weep silently at my electric kettle. The burnt smokey pine tree forest ablaze scent made me homesick for Southern California during the dry burn season we call February to December.
I swear I see a demon lurking in there. Or maybe I see the words.. Don’t add water.
I threw some into my flower steeper and tossed it into hot water. The aroma slowly became something like that mystery burning smell you know is in your house, and you search it out. Only to find nothing and you think ‘Oh it’s just a stroke.’
The water went dark like sadness and despair. I started to wonder if perhaps I should give up on writing. If maybe I was a horrible mum and my kid would be better off pursuing his dream job of joining Odd Squad.
I stopped staring into the abyss that was currently taking up residence in my Edgar Allan Poe mug and shook it off.
Oh, this tea was going to try and break me. Well, not to today SatanTea. Not today.
I thought the smell was bad when I smelled it in the bag.
Well, I was wrong.
So. Fucking. Wrong.
When I removed my tea steeper from the water, it was as if I was standing at the wet smoldering ruins of a plastic factory.
Sip 1: *WHY AM I DOING THIS. THE GODS HAS GIVEN ME A NOSE SO I DON’T PUT UGLY SMELLING THINGS INTO MY CAKE HOLE.* The still hot water touched my tongue, and I immediately knew I had fucked up. I now have knowledge of what it would be like to lick a pine tree used matchstick.
I think Poe is asking that butterfly to save him. Also that steeper is way too cheerful for that mug.
Sip 2: So I dumped out tea so I could add extra milk. I used the toasted coconut almond milk. *FUCK!! I ADDED THREEEEEEE TIMES WHAT I USUALLY USE, AND IT’S NOT Even light blonde.* I can now safely say I know what coconuts would taste like after Madame Pele roasted a metric ton of them in Hawaii.
At this point, the constant smell of burnt things is making my head hurt and my stomach turn. This smell will never leave my nose. Ever. I will walk around the rest of my life wondering if I am on fire.
Sip 3: *What kind of self-loathing must I have?* I added so much sugar, there was a gooey layer on the bottom of the cup. I wanted to start crying, either from the smell or as a defense mechanism. It was both. I was crying because I knew that I would take sip 3.
I caught the devil in this tea moments after I took my last sip. I think the mug was trying to tell me something.
So we’re in Hawaii, and the Goddess Pele is using lava to burn down a coconut and almond forest. I am sitting on the edge of it all eating cotton candy and waiting for the world burn.
Sweet Pele please make this stop.
I threw it all away. Usually when I don’t like tea, I try to re-home it. I mean if it’s not my cup of tea, if might be someone else’s.
But not this. No. This must stop. I can’t think of a single person whom I hate so much that I would give this to them. I mean not even my arch nemesis R.A. Besides if I tried to this this tea to her, she’d look at me like I was insane and tell me to fuck off. You don’t accept food from people you want to hit with a brick.
Besides my new arch nemesis is this tea. So I can’t gift it back to itself. I’m sorry that it’s going to a landfill. I would burn it, but I fear that would only make it stronger.
Usually I throw out some educational blah blah blah’s about the tea I am going to review. Nope. There is nothing you need to know about this tea. It baffles me that people use this in recipes that involve food they want to ingest.
I can only hope that one day my hand will stop smelling like burnt sugar sadness. **Spilled it on my hand when I washed it down the drain**
I give this tea no fucks. No stars, and no Unicorn Love.
If you disagree with me. Leave a comment. I would like to meet you. I suspect you’re just Lapsang Souchong in a human suit.
Leafing Through The Pages 